Just in case some of you have the idea I am too much of a Pollyanna, always preaching good things about the Filipinos, "This Bud’s for You". recently, my dear wife, the Unofficial Cook, posted a rather moving story or two about our experiment with having a maid … and trying to do a little good for people … on her personal blog, Mainly Mita.
I started out to make a comment to her "finale" story, here Losing More than a Maid, but I find there’s much more on my mind about this young woman, her family and the whole idea that so many of my countrymen have about "making a difference" in the Filipino scheme of things.
Cheryl … or "Cyril" as he birth certificate is written first came around out home about 16 months ago … back when we first moved into our rental home here in Marilao, Bulacan. Her mom has long done occasional housework and particularly plancha (ironing) for several of our extended family and neighbors. Cheryl would sometime come with her mom and do cleaning as well, and a couple times when her mom was sick, she would come by and ask to clean the house because her mom was bed-ridden and there was no food in their house (she has 7 brothers and sisters that I know of, and a father who is said to be both alcoholic and abusive.)
That’s the first thing many of my "outside looking in" readers may have trouble getting their heads around. I was brought up in the 1950′s, in a rural community, and it was standard practice that children worked … to help support their families or even to help develop themselves …from an early age. Today, in the US at least, we have a society which insulates our children from the real world until late teens or 20′s … as if they were physically and mentally incapable of doing anything. Often a a parent wonders out loud why their high school or college student seems to think the world owes him/her a living and why they are always asking for more an more money and material ‘things’. Duh.
In the Philippines it isn’t a moral or behavioral science debate when children can start work, it’s an economical decision. Or a stomach decision. If there is no food on the shelf (forget in the ‘fridge, you need electricity and money for one of those) and there are able-bodied people at home, doesn’t matter if they are 14 or 40, they need to be out working … or begging … and I far prefer that children work at honest labor than beg … or. for young teens, fall into the sexual predator traps which are all to easily available. For those who wonder at the propriety and correctness of giving a 14 (she’s 15 now) year old girl paid housework to do, I wonder if the alternative of giving here a forged birth certificate and a GRO (Guest Relations Officer) ID card to work the bars at night is a better alternative? Myself, I opt for giving them honest work and decent meals.
At any rate, my post is already growing long. I suggest you read Mita’s articles on the subject for more details. Suffice to say, the whole experience with Cheryl has made me a little bitter, very sad, and contrary to my usual outlook, more than a little hopeless. If you can’t help even one kid, on a one-to-one basis to even learn how to take daily showers, wear clean clothes (you have to have a change of clothes first), learn to read at the second grade or so level … and most importantly, not to look you in the eye and lie … about even tiny things … that eventually leads to a complete loss of trust and an end to what could be a long-term, mutually beneficial relationship.
For years now I’ve been saddened and sometimes even angered by fellow foreigners who get angry and voice opinions about lying and deceitfulness being endemic in the Philippines. These sort of negative stereotypes would just set me on edge, because I have had such a good relationship with so many Filipinos who have been honest as the day is long. But into each life some "rain’ or reality must fall. And though I’m not "down" on the Philippines or Filipinos at all, I have to admit that my life is never going to be quite the same. I guess it is a bit of a coming of age to me … a cold water splash of reality dashed on my warm, positive outlook definition. Happens to us all at one time or another, I guess.
Cheryl … I still think you’re a wonderful person in many ways and I hope (almost against hope) that there is something better for you and your inevitable brood of children … but you’ve taken away a spark of innocence I feel will never return, and for that I really can not find it in my heart to say thank you. You, and your mom and your sisters needn’t bother coming ’round anymore.
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Hi Dave – your story – and Mita’s – is a touching account of something that Feyma and I have come across many times since living in the Philippines. Like you, I don’t feel that all Filipinos are this way, or even a LOT of Filipinos are this way, but there is a certain class of people here who are like that. It’s really sad when a person that you really like, a person that you really want to help slaps you like that. It has happened to me on more than one occasion, and it hurts.
Thanks for sharing a painful story.
Thanks for your constant support and your always balanced comments, Bob. I know you have had similar things happen, even with family members. To think this is always the way all people are is certainly wrong … but do deny it can happen is also disingenuous. Gotta take the chaff along with the wheat, I guess.
A guy who otherwise would be a close friend if miffed at me because a while back I made a statement that some people just will not be helped … he’s one of those “foreign angel” types who beleievs that ‘if only’ (that favorite statement of mine) there was enough money and if only we somewhat arrogant foreigners would just care enough, everyone can be helped.
Sorry, but there are those who _will_not_ be helped. A much older Filipino acquaintance, much wiser than I who knows this girl and Mita and I well, made the statement to me, “You can’t help them, they are what they are.”
Sounds, defeatist, stereotypical, anti-Christian, racial, etc., etc., everything we Americans like to protest against … but sadly sometimes the truth.
Hi Philly – Unfortunately, your much older Filipino acquaintance is so correct.
In our case, my asawa and I entrusted the raising of two pigs to a sister. Phone calls to check on the pigs were always answered with, “They’re getting bigger!” or “They’re fine!” or “We may need a little help to pay for ….” Our deal was that once the pigs were sufficiently grown, we’d sell them, reimburse any expenses for raising them, and share the profit 50-50.
It wasn’t until we talked with the barangay kapitan that we heard different. He told us he only saw one pig in that sister’s care (the kapitan, btw, is the sister’s brother-in-law). The sister wasn’t available to talk to us (mysteriously) after our chat with the kapitan, and the eldest daughter told us that one pig was bitten by a mosquito, became sick, and they butchered it. The meat was distributed to family members.
When we went back home, and talked to other family members, all were surprised and wondered where their share of the meat was! We cornered the lying daughter and after a lot of good acting complete with tears, found out that the mother (asawa’s sister) sold the pig (at a way below market price!). The reply to the question, “Why did you tell us the pig got sick?” was “Mother told us just to say anything – make something up – and auntie will forget about it”!!!
Where do they learn to lie and/or act in such ways? I know!
I’m still enough of a believer (or naive’) enough to say I won’t use the term ‘they’ as if everyone was lying … but Iwill say that experiences like your pig business flim-flam are depressingly common. I really wish I knew the answer. Expectations that seem to be shared, but are not shared at all seem to be at the heart of things … and any business that involves waiting for the future … such as raising livestock, planting and growing crops, running a store and buying new stock with the money that comes in from current sales is very much fraught with risk.
The Philippines seems to be mired deep in the principle of ‘eating the seed corn” … where next years crop will come from? bahala na.
Guess my “they” appears to be painted with too broad of a brush. My “they” consist of asawa’s sister & family. I’m with you – another believer – and see these problems being caused by the minority in society. I even believe there is help for the offenders.
With the pigs, we should have known better as this same sister burnt another sibling who set her up with a store. Profits somehow never made it to where they should have, suppliers came up with past-due bills and new stock was never purchased. When it comes to family, though, we never learn! Seems as though all we do is serve seed corn for merienda!
Yep. I will say the ‘eat the seed corn’ problem _is_ endemic, even at high levels of government. there is something lacking (not only in the Philippines) in today’s educational process … live for today is not the long term solution.
Philly,
This thread seemed to be as good as any to make a request.
Could you possibly give some insight into Filipino literature i.e. authors to look for or recommended books.
I’m keen to read more about life and history from the Filipino persepctive.