I was telling someone a funny story that happened to me recently, and I figured why not share it … I’m too damn serious about a lot of these things anyway, or so people tell me.
First of all, “lang” is a Filipino word that literally translates to the English word “only”. That’s one reason you see ads or price signs frequently written as P20 Only … becuase in normal conversation someone will often say “20 Pesos lang” when asked the cost of somehting … it’s not always clear to me if the word is being used as an adjective to try to assure you that the cost is ‘only 20 pesos’, as in “very cheap”, or just as a sort of a punctuation to emphasize they have answered you pricing question. Not really something I want to try to define here anyway.
Anyway, “lang” is also used in the sense that something has only one meaning … to avoid misunderstandings. It’s common to hear “Joke, lang” when the joke teller wants to make it clear that what was siad is only a joke and not to be taken seriously.
A week or two ago my dear wife and I were driving home from our little farm operation up north in Zambales when we stopped at a Pizza Hut franchise in one to the NLEX (North Luzon Expressway).
We went in and ordered some food to take home with us for dinner. While I was sitting at a table near the ordering counter I happened to notice that two of the young waitresses seemed to be discussing something between themselves and kind of handing a folder of some sort back and forth between themselves.
One of them obviously “lost the bet” or something, and started walking, with the folder in hand, over to where Mita was standing a few feet away from me. I saw Mita quickly say something to the younger lady and point toward me. The waitress looked toward me and slowly began walking toward me as if she were really scared. Frankly I figured it was going to be some sad story about being “out of stock” on some of the food items we had ordered. This is sort of a common occurrence.
Apparently, no Filipino chef ever tells the wait staff when an item has run out in the kitchen .. nobody wants to deliver bad news, you know, so just keep quiet, perhaps no one will notice.
Wait staff never want to tell you in advance that an item isn’t available either .. again, the bad news thing … “I’m not going to be the one to deliver the bad news”.
It’s very common to get your order taken, wait a while and then get a visit from a reluctant waiter to tell you that you aren’t going to get your order after all. Don’t ask me why, it just works that way.
So as I was waiting for this young lady to drag her way over to me, I was already starting to review what I had ordered in my mind and decide on a suitable substitute … which of course I could have ordered five minutes ago had I know that what I did order was out of stock. Remember the rule here … “after the fact”
But no, my sour “take” on the proceedings was all wrong. What the waitress was reluctant to do, but what she basically had to do, was to approach each customer and ‘sell’ them on a “feed the children” type charity program that Pizza Hut was sponsoring.
After a careful and very understandable presentation, the girl asked me if I would care to contribute … and of course, sitting there waiting for about P500 worth of takeout to be served I really could not say no to giving something to feed a hungry child, especially since the program was internal to the Philippines and was focused mainly on the the hundreds of thousands of displaced families in Mindanao .. the ones that Manilanos don’t even acknowledge as they drive home to dinner in their chauffeured BMW’s and Beans (oops, Benz’s). So I handed the young lady, now all relieved that she had made it through a conversation with the “big, old Kano” successfully, a P100 note.
She whipped open her folder and began the process of filling up the inevitable receipt, which I didn’t want, and told her so … “I’ll be happy to contribute, but I won’t fill up a form.”
Her response was, “OK sir, but you do win a little appreciation gift for your contribution,” She named some sort of gee-gaw, a bracelet or something, can’t remember now, but I didn’t want one. I asked what other gifts were available.
She replied, “Well sir, the gift for a P50 contribution is a small desktop calendar.”
I stopped her then and there … it’s hard to get calendars here in the Philippines, and even harder to get little small ones that will sit on your desk out of the way, so I asked her to give me two, and if anyone asked why I was getting the “wrong” gift, just say I had contributed 50 pesos twice.
The waitress seemed very happy at that little problem being solved, but as she started to turn away my wife called out to her, “Make sure they are not 2009 calendars, it’s already December you know.”
Now that might have sounded petty obvious, but I was in National Bookstore, the Philippine’s largest book and stationery store just recently … in November, and they were, selling 2009 calendars (at full price) in November of 2009, so Mita’s comment was more than appropriate. That’s the way things are here … new stock doesn’t come out until the old stock is gone, even when it is time sensitive or dated material … 2010 cars aren’t out yet, as an example, becuase there are still 2009 models unsold.
“Calendar Girl”, happy until Dave came along
But the girl must have had that question thrown at her before , becuase she confidently turned our way and said, “Oh no ma’am, no sir, they are not 20 ‘Oh’ 9 calendars, they are 20 ‘Oh’ 10 calendars, lang”
Now I of course have a reputation as a curmudgeon, and I can also admit to always having sort of a ‘thing’ about people using imprecise terms regarding numbers. For 10 years now, we have had people saying things like 20 “Oh” 8 when they ought to he saying “”two thousand eight”, but of course I seldom say anything, becuase even though it is ‘wrong’, who cares, the meaning is clear.
But 20 “Oh” 10? That would “translate” to the year 20,010, roughly 18,001 years from now … a time I am highly unlikely to be around waiting on a calendar.
So thinking I’d apply a little humorous correction to her improper communication, I looked at her and said, “20 “Oh” 10? No need for the calendars then, I won’t live that long.”
I, of course, figured she would “get it” and realize that after 9 or 10 years of ‘slang’ usage, things would have to change in a month when the 3rd digit of the year changed. The decade of 20 “Oh” something was drawing to a close.
Well, as I have said before, “Culture Shock” doesn’t just mean taking a cold shower with a dipper and a bucket, or having a plate of crickets served in a restaurant. You don’t joke about death here, especially to an impressionable young person, and especially if the “joke” can be construed as predicting your own death in less than a month.
The poor girl turned literally ashen in color. She went and got the calendars and handed them to me with a look on her face as if she’d just seen her favorite puppy run over by a bus. Or like she was looking at a ghost, or a “dead man walking.”
I wanted to say something, but somehow I knew that the common “Joke, lang” wouldn’t make up for the shock I’d given her. And I knew that if I tried to explain the issue about the “20 Oh” expression it would only make things worse, because it would only come out as criticism of her English skills. personally. In my clumsy “joke”, I was only adding to the fear she had to overcome when she summoned up the courage to approach me in the first place.
She just didn’t “get it” at all, and you know how it is, especially when you suffer through a bad comedian on TV … if you don’t “get” a joke, all the explaining in the worlds doesn’t make it any funnier. And espcially if the joke turns out to be hurtful, explanations just make it worse.
Our food came then, delivered by the other waitress, and my wife and I said our thank yous and slipped out the side door to our car.
I couldn’t resist a look back to my “calendar girl”, and the last thing I remember is her soulful eyes looking at me the way I imagine the eyes of people in the Titanic’s lifeboats watched as the ship went down while they could only sit helpless and watch the tragedy unfold.
Every time I pull a culture/language related “boner” like this I resolve never to get myself in the same position again … but of course I am sure I will. There’s an old saying that laughter is the best medicine, and it’s a true saying, but just be very careful you know, in advance, what people are going to laugh at … preferably before you make the joke. It’s really, really, really hard in this life to ‘un-say” something 
By the way, if this story made you feel a bit sorry or concerned about hungry children, good, that was the intention. We who hail from America, no matter how hard we think the times are back there these days, are so well off it is amazing to most of the ‘real world’.
The poorest person in America, saddled with credit card and mortgage debts and coming to the end of unemployment benefits is still richer by a huge amount than the every day standard for millions of Filipinos.
We’re not talking an occasionally “missing a meal”, we’re talking one thin meal a day, on good days that is, … “missing a meal” is synonymous with no food that whole day at all. Millions of children in this country are sent to bed without their supper every night, just as a matter of the way life is.
There are thousands of worthy charities out there … please consider sharing some of your bounty this Christmas season … if you don’t have a particular one in mind, my friend Bob runs his own, 100% volunteer Christmas food program in Mindanao … think about it if you will … hunger, children and Christmas are three words that just never fit together properly … they clash like one of Dave Starr’s clumsy jokes.
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Heh ain’t that the truth about being out of stock. Coming back from the airport last weekend we stopped at Inasal for dinner. The barbecued hind quarter is pretty nice. “Sorry sir, no stock”. Hmmm, a specialist chicken restaurant has … no chickens? OK, we’ll have spaghetti and hamburgers. ” Sorry sir, no spaghetti”. It was like that Monty Python cheese shop skit. We asked the girl to tell us what WAS in stock and ordered from that slender list. Then drinks … Pepsi please. Yeah you guessed it, no stock. Mineral water then. Same answer. That’s when I almost lost my temper and told the girl there was a big sari sari store next door, how about she went and bought some mineral water and Pepsi so Inasal could give customers at least some of the things on the order board? But it wouldn’t have done any good.
Oh yes, Ken, oh yes. I can’t begin to write about all the ‘out of stock’ issues I have found over the past few years … well, actually, I have written about it, read my: Customer Service — ABN for just a few recent examples. The exasperating part is, many clerks don’t even seem apologetic … they often seem happy about being able to announce “out of stock”.
I really and truly wonder why a person would go to the trouble, and the not inconsiderable expense, to set up a business and then be happy about being out of stock time after time after time. I mean if you want to just make no sales, it is cheaper and easier just to sit under a tree and wait for sunset and bedtime to come along.
As I have said more thna once, this can be a very hard country to spend your money in.
Hi Dave,
Thank you so much for plugging my Christmas Food Giveaway. We give 100% of the contributions to charity, and there is no administrative cost involved at all. Every dollar I get in contributions (plus some from me too!) buys food to feed hungry people for Christmas.
Thank you also, Dave, for your contribution to the giveaway for the past couple of years.
It is also my normal procedure to post photos and an article about the giveaway, so that contributors can see what their money was used for.
Thanks again!
You’re more than welcome. Bob. It’s not only a good cause, but when you know the people involved with the aid delivery, it makes it feel as if you could be there yourself.
So how many “givers” have sent Bob something today? Even a buck buys soemthing worthwhile for these people you know … one pack of ciggies will feed a family for a week at US prices.
Hi Dave – Unfortunately, nothing so far today….. we gotta get those PhilFAQs readers on the stick! Seriously, though, I appreciate your efforts.
Speaking of “feeling like you could be there yourself” – if you are ever down south when we do the actual distribution you are more than welcome to come along and help pass some of this out. I can tell you, at least in my case, there is no better feeling than feeding those who are hungry at Christmas!
I understand Bob, and I do appreciate the invitation. However, I have nio idea when it could ever come to pass … my Christmas time starts getting really tight starting beginning of next week, when sisters start arriving. Christmas is busy here, as it is busy almost anywhere in the Philippines. But I have given more than one thought to coming down your way right after Christmas, to escape the damn fireworks
Hi Dave,
I got a good laugh from this post,you really put your foot in it bigtime , 20 oh 10 LOL.
Regarding your mention of locals skipping meals etc,i read the following story a while back.
A foreigner, meeting his filipina gf for the first time, was totally confused why she would only eat every other day.
He asked her why?.
She replied,”you know my family is very poor,we have always done this,its normal for me”.
regards Chas.
Gosh, that would be a habit to get into … although that story is certainly plausible.
Another touching little thing that I always keep in mind about the Philippines. When my wife Mita and I lived in the US, one of the jobs she tried her hand at was retail sales in Target …yep, red shirt, khaki pants, may i help you ma’am?
One day a nice grandmotherly type approached her and asked if she was Filipino .. and of course she said yes, how can I help? Well the older lady was buying kids clothes for a church charity program that asked people to buy just a shoebox full of clothes for kids and was shipping them all to the Philippines. Sounded like a really worthwhile program, and sure anyone could afford a shoebox full of t-shirts and shorts, etc.
The lady’s problem? She didn’t know what sizes to buy .. “What if I buy sizes that won’t fit?”
How little so many in the land of plenty know about how so much of the world live. Clothes that fit? Believe me, when you have no clothes at all, “fitting” is a concept that is just not even considered. Anything at all that comes along will be most gratefully received .. there is always a child who will fit any piece of clothing.
Please do try to remember folks, at this time of year, especially, no matter how bad you may think things are there at home … God has bleesed you so richkly you may not even be noticing. You are a millionaire in terms of the vast majority of people in the world .. don’t lose your spirit.
Hi Dave,
Interesting Target story,sure, size doesn’t matter when you have no clothes.
One of the problems for many charities though,is that much of the used clothing sent to PI ends up in the hands of the Ukay Ukay stores and selling for P10 to P30 per item.
We have a similar problem here,much of the door to door charity collections of used items end up being sold in Eastern Europe.
Personally, i take mine to a local charity shop,then it gets sold here and the charity benefits.
Talking of sizes ha ha,i always have to go up a size or two when buying there.
If i buy large here in UK,i have to buy xl or sometimes xxl there.
Same with slippers and sandals,if i by my normal size 9,too small,i have to buy size 10.
The only exception is when buying from the US surplus (export) store in Davao City.
regards Chas.
Indeed I try to recommend things like Bob’s personal work, sending directly to the Red Cross, etc. Many things fall into the wrong hands. Most balikbayam companies will send directly to the Red Cross in the Philippines at either free or reduced rates. Check with your favorite company and see if they are running specials. A local church group or civic organization could easily collect a couple boxes of clothes in an day or two, and ship directly to the Philippine Red Cross. I have confidence that Senator Dick Gordon, the head of the PRC will not let it fall into the hands of ‘schlock shops’ as sometimes happens. Or any reader with useful items (certainly don’t have to be new, as long as someone can wear hem) who doesn’t trust other people can feel free to ship to me .. I would happily deliver to the Red Cross and send you a photo story about it.
Actually there are a lot of funny Filipino words and even funnier how Filipino’s use them. Sometimes Filipinos repeat the first syllable to make the word in future form. So the word “baba” which means “down” will become “ba-baba” or “will go down”. “Kain” or eat becomes “ka-kain” (will eat). “Talon” or jump becomes “ta-talon” (will jump). And so on.
Another word we use like the word “lang” is “ba”. We use this after asking a question. So for example if you are going to ask if a person will eat, it goes like this “ka-kain ba?”, of if going to jump “ta-talon ba?”
Anyway, a funny thing happened to me once when riding an elevator with a foreigner. When the door opened, the Filipino outside asked me “ba-baba ba?” (going down?) Then I said “ba-baba” (going down). The foreigner smiled and told me “I like you Filipinos. You could understand one another just by saying buh buh buh buh – buh buh buh buh”. Hehe
Ha ha JJ, ha ha (or should I say, ha hahaha ha? When I started reading your comment, I was already forming a response, and then you stole it from me. Years ago when my wife and I were courting, we went to her office and went up to some high floor in the elevator. When we were going down, the car stopped, the door opened and some guy started that eaxct conversation with us: ba-baba ba?, of course followed by her response, ba-baba. The guy just stood there, the door closed and we continued down to the lobby.
Later, I confided to her, “I seriosuly doubt I am ever going to learn Tagalog, it’s all these ba ba ba ba sounds that sound so alike to me. She explained the conversation, and the -really_ mysterious part came to me.
I asked her, “OK, I get it, but here’s the part that I don’t understand, aside from the words. Why didn’t the guy get on then, since we were going down?”
Her reply was, “Well of course he didn’t get on and go down, because he was going up.”
ow over the past few years I have wasted I don’t knowhow many words and hours on this, because it’s the part of Philippine culture I will never understand. even if I became competent with the language. Why would the guy ask if we were going down, if he wanted to go up? I see this happen day after day, if you look for it. Maybe it is related to the “glass half full, glass half empty” philosophy argument, or maybe I am just reading too much into it … but you see if I was that guy waiting for the elevator and I wanted to know if the car was going up, because I wanted to go up, I would have asked, “Going up?” It’s kind of like ingrained in me and most Westerners I know, you typically ask a question phrased so that the answer will come out yes … if that is what you want.
Here, (and maybe this is related to my philosophical “meek” dissertation, or my story about the airline ticket print out the other day. it seems there are a lot of people who have a subconscious need to be told no … to reinforce the kind of hidden mindset that ‘good things never happen to me’, or something like that. Someone will go in a store, looking for something, and the question will be phrased like, “You don’t have butter, do you?”. I go up to the clerk and ask, “Can you help me find the butter, please?”. I guess my thought process is, if the answer is “wala”, they’ll tell me quick enough, no sense starting out unsuccessful in my search.
Actually, and this is completely unscientific, of course, but as I was writing this I was mentally cataloging some of the successful and forward-looking Filipinos I know, and you know what? I bet most of them would have asked “going up?’ as well.
Regardless if it’s political or religious views, race, size, or orientation- everyone deserves to be and become who they are. As long as they’re not harming anybody, why not?
Hi Jennine, thanks for reading writing in. I appreciate it. However, I’m a bit mystified. In what way have I ever advocated people NOT becoming all they can be? I fear I am missing something here. Indeed one of the things I rant most consistently on here are Filipino family and friends who refuse to be what they can be … holding themselves back, continuously, becuase they refuse to believe in themselves.
Perhaps you can clarify your remark a bit and help me see who it is applicable to the little parable you attached it to?