Had an experience recently where I kept expecting someone (a Filipino business person, as it happens) to call me back, as he had promised … and he never did.  I finally made several calls to another employee at his work place and then to the owner at the firm … and tomorrow I am going to have the item I have been trying to order for weeks installed on my car … and the original fellow …let’s call him Juan .. has still never called me.

I can remember many years of my life when this would have made me really, really angry.  Juan works for a large, well-financed company … in fact a company which spends a lot of money on customer care, employee training and follow-ups on service … actually a bit of a rarity in the Philippines …but still 9n all, no contact from Juan, not even an apology for the hassle coupled with the usual sort of “white lie”excuse that you can expect people to make (not just here in the Philippines), like “I lost your number”, or “the call didn’t go through” … you know, the little things that people say to try to make their mistakes appear not so egregious and that the aggrieved party knows is pure BS, but we usually accept it as sort of a peace offering.

But am I angry with Juan right now?  Nope, not a it.  Will I snub him or give him a dirty look tomorrow when I go to his work place?  Nope.  And I know there are dozens of my readers out there who are muttering under their breath right now saying, “Well you’re damn right I’d be mad.”

People being late for appointments, or late (or never) returning calls and such are one of the primary things that absolutely anger my fellow foreigners here in the Philippines.  You hear it all the time, I’ve been hearing it for ten years or more now, and I expect that if I blog ten more years I’ll hear it still.

And don’t get me wrong.  I don’t like people being late for appointments or return calls one little bit.  I’m not some robotic turn the other cheek sissy that seems to revel in people walking all over him … not me brother, no way.

But I’ve trained myself not to get angry in these sorts of situations, and here’s a few thoughts on why.

First of all, anger is very bad for your health.  I’ve “operated from anger” a great deal of my life … probably shortened my life already .. but fortunately God has decided to let me keep growing old for now … so I don’t want to lose any more possible days in the race (the human race).

But the second reason I’m not mad at Juan is even more important than my blood pressure I think.  You see it is much more a matter of how I am going to let others control my thoughts and the way I feel.

Has anybody reading this ever been locked up, say in jail, or even thought hard about being confined?  Wow to me that a pretty horrible thought, being locked up so I lost my physical freedom.  But even worse would be the situation where someone could control my thoughts and emotions and took away my mental freedom.

I believe you should always be on time and keep your promises. I get angry when people are late because I believe it is disrespectful, and it’s also downright inconvenient and wasteful of my time when appointments made don’t “push through”.

But Juan, on the other hand does not believe being on time is important. He has said so. At least by his actions.  You see this isn’t the first time he has failed to follow through.

So who has the problem here? I do.  Or at least I do if I get angry.
Why?  Because I would be angry, upset, out of sorts and generally wasting time that should be happy time for me.  But Juan is happy.

Juan doesn’t even know there is a problem, because I haven’t told him yet.  Let’s say I never tell him and stew in my anger believing everybody believes you should be on time and that everyone believes being late is disrespectful.  I will be angry with Juan and Juan will have no clue why I am angry because I have assumed he believes the same things I believe about punctuality.

Now let’s say I have told Joe that it makes me angry when he is late or fails to return my calls, but he is still continues to be late and neglectful?  He doesn’t understand why it is such a big deal.  He doesn’t believe it is a big deal.

Juan is not going to change his belief in punctuality or promise keeping. He has demonstrated that. I can’t change Joe’s belief, only he can.

So what can I do?

I can choose to change my belief that Joe should always be on time and that will in turn change my belief that I have been disrespected and then I won’t be angry at Joe anymore.  Whenever I make an appointment, or start anticipating what a business is going to do for me … deliver that much desired “something” I have ordered, perhaps, I stop for a moment and have a little talk with myself.

If it comes, it comes.  If it doesn’t come, I’ll do something else to get what I want … as long as I don’t expect others to share my beliefs, and as long as I know going in that I probably need a plan B (and maybe a plan C and a plan D as well), nothing Juan or nay of his comrades can really hurt me.  They don’t share my belief and I am not going to change that fact.  As the famous homily says, “Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and greatly annoys the pig.  One thing I am known for telling people time and time again … YOU must change to suit the way things are in the Philippines, because the Philippines is NOT going to change to suit your beliefs.  I wonder, sometimes, why so many guys move here thinking they are going to make it change?

OR

I can just stop making appointments with Juan.  He’s not the only supplier in town and it’s perfectly logical to just “vote with my feet” and take my business elsewhere if the problems get out of hand.

As you can see…

Juan doesn’t make me angry…

I make myself angry if I stick so firmly to my beliefs that I don’t allow me to accept Juan as he is.  Living here is what it is, no more, no less

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