Something you might want to remember as we explore this avenue of helping others in your family while also helping yourself:

Entrepreneurship is about solving the problems of society, not starting a business for one’s own sake

Hardly a day goes by that I don’t get a personal request for help about starting an Internet Cafe (or as they are almost always called here in the Philippines, a “Computer Shop” … if you didn’t know that you are already way behind.

It is possible to start and successfully run a computer shop … but … there are so, so many better opportunities to my mind.  Read that quote again and think about the highest and best purpose of a computer shop, versus the highest and best purpose of something that, perhaps, raises food, tutors children and adults, provides cheap transportation, a restaurant that provides 20 jobs from the local barangay, etc., etc. 

I’m really not trying to dictate what people ought to do, but I question, myself, if the fixation on “Computer Shops” isn’t, in large part, due to the fact they seem to resemble playing online a lot and the hard work, communication and control that has to go into any business just seems to somehow get lost in the ambience.

Whatever business you may decide to employ family members in, or to help family members start and run, is going to face a number of challenges.  The central issues, from my perspective, is control and communication … and the two go hand and glove.

For every horror story anyone can come up with regarding a family business failure here i the Philippines, I can pretty much guarantee that poor communication is going to be a root cause.

Let’s look at a typical example.  A bright sister-in-law has no income.  Someone proposes the idea that she start a sari-sari store in her home.  Sounds ideal.  She knows all the neighbors, she has a pleasant, out-going personality and she can earn a small living while still being at home with her children.

So some rudimentary planning takes place (ignoring, often, how many other sari-sari stores are right on her same block … an amount of money for conversion of the front room into a store and initial stock to sell is decided upon, money changes hands and then … what?

A month or more later the benefactor .. usually a foreigner relative or an OFW family member in the States, finds out that:

a.  The store conversion never really happened

b.  The initial stock got purchased, but mainly other family members and fiends ‘ate it up’. (There is probably a shoebox full of IOU’s)

c.  In an effort to avoid the embarrassment of confessing failure, the sister-in-law is now in hock for more than the original investment to some local “boombay” (money lender) at 5/6 rates (20% PER MONTH interest.

If you happen to be on the investment side of this transaction, nobody could blame you for being pretty disappointed and even downright pissed off … but let’s think this through.

Nobody involved on the Philippine side really had any practical business knowledge.  Nobody had anybody to talk to, receive guidance, or even be told NO when needed.  And anything and everything that was done wor0ng was done wrong over time … it could easily be corrected … if anybody (I have been waiting for hundreds of words now to say this) …had been minding the store

How could communication have helped prevent this disaster?  I don’t have all the answers, but here’s a few tings I would have done as a non-negotiable part of the initial investment.

Put a cheap PC (a laptop would be best for reasons I’ll go into later) in the store area, as close to the point of sale as possible. 

Hook that PC to the Internet, and if the connection is Wi-Fi, secure it from day one so you aren’t providing Internet service to all the neighbors also.

Set yourself up as the administrator of that PC and DO NOT allow anyone else administrator access. 

Install a remote monitor and control program like TVNC or any of the dozens of other good, free ones out there.

Install a headset (or USB keyboard with telephone handset, my favorite) and Skype or Yahoo Messenger

Buy a USB video surveillance package … less than P5,000 for four cameras, and put the cameras in strategic locations.

Install a simple home finance application like Microsoft Money, Quicken or (free and a good one) PLCash

Work with your prospective store manager until s/he understands how to enter sales, expenses and other transactions and keep the simple account balanced.

Go to a local bank with a good online banking service and open a Peso account, joint, with the storekeeper.  Get an ATM card and your login data for the bank account.

Sounds like a lot of steps but you can do this all in a day or two.  You can also have someone on the Philippine end do it for you remotely if you can’t come to the Philippines yourself (you won’t be able to pen the account jointly, but you can demand the log in to the online banking service so that you can monitor the account and all transactions regularly)

Last step?  Train, practice, love and encourage.

Once you have the storekeeper following a daily routine, entering all transactions in the computer, taking money to the bank to deposit regularly, using the ATM card to withdraw so there is a permanent record, and (most important, I think) after you are back home, talk to and encourage your storekeeper on a daily basis … hourly when s/he has problems …it’s totally free to talk computer to computer with Skype or one of the other VOOIP programs like it, ad you can watch your nieces and nephews grow up in front of the camera as well. 

One thing I have found for sure, living here in the Philippines now for nearly 4 years.  When something gets watched, it gets done.  When people get watched AND ENCOURAGED, they do great wok.  When money gets tracked and properly managed, it doesn’t disappear. 

Use the power of the Internet connecting people to people and see if it doesn’t make your sari-sari store 9or whatever other venture you try) stand out as a success story in a sea of failures.

A few technical notes.

Why a laptop?  Small footprint, low power consumption, built in uninterruptible power supply … it’s called a battery.

Why maintain administrator control?  You know others are going to use this machine .. and why not, it’s there.  But let kids explore the ‘net in the Philippines and in a week the machine will be so clogged with viruses, Trojans, etc. you may never get it running right.  Lock it down, control downloads and installation of outside software, and use a good antivirus program set to run daily.

For some help with management, training, coaching and business control, you might find this course interesting. In addition to a comprehensive eBook, it also has online features that can help your business partners learn from both sides of the Pacific.

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Today I was busy with my email, at the same time thinking about how I really ought to get a blog post written.

I was answering friend’s email about a fish company down in General Santos City, Mindanao, when I got a bit long-winded (hey, how often does that happen ?) and it dawned upon me I had essentially written a blog post right here in my friend’s answer.  So, here it is.

Our conversation got started a few days ago when I related to him that a local dealer had started a small business linked up with a big fish supplier down in “Gen San”.  General Santos City is pretty much the capital of commercial fishing in the Philippines, and probably you know something about Gen San even if you didn’t know the name before, because all the major US brands are included in the customer list of the big fishing companies there.

Of course you aren’t ever going to get any of the top of the line products there in the US, the best tuna goes to Japan,where you can easily wind up paying as much as $600 USD per pound for the best cuts of the absolute top of the line tuna (I lived in Japan and I’ve seen it, but don’t worry, I never paid for it )

The product that winds up going to the US certainly isn’t bad, though, and there is good canned tuna in the stores here, relatively cheap, as well as many other “fishy” things from Gen San.

A few days before Holy Week commenced, one of my sisters-in-law showed me a tiny little flier from a local place … actually a private house, in a subdivision near by.  They were offering several varieties and sizes of shrimp, tuna steaks, calamari rings, and tuna siomai (show-my) (little bits of tuna meat wrapped in egg roll style wrappers, ready to be steamed or deep-fried).

The product was all guaranteed flash frozen in General Santos City the same day it came off the boat, and the frozen retail size packs would be delivered to your door any time by motorcycle messenger, just text to the number on the form and pay the driver on delivery.

Sounded like a great idea to me, the prices seemed reasonable and the variety of sea food here in local super markets is … well, not all that impressive.  I was particularly interested because of all the questions I get about starting a business in the Philippines, and no one seems to think past copying the little barely profitable Internet cafe on the next corner, or selling the same cheese snacks and cigarettes for 25 centavos’ less per pack than the neighbors sari-sari store.

Hmm, flash frozen fish, product of the Philippines, and you need nothing more to get the doors open than a chest freezer or two (cheap ones readily available at SM Hypermarket) and the ubiquitous cell phone.

We texted and ordered some samples and so far, everything has been great.  I hope the place slays in business, though, because like so many local businesses it almost seems as if they are running some sort of illegal syndicate operation … you have to know some one who knows some one just to buy there … like the US “Speakeasies” back in the 1820 or 1930.

Now that's a decent hotdog!

Another interesting example came up today.  I pass two different hot dog kiosks in the mall … both have been there, I think, the whole time I have lived here.  They don’t interest me because they just have the same old bright red nondescript Filipino franks on the hot rollers, turning hour after hour, about as appealing as … I don’t know what, but not appealing.

Today the Unofficial Cook and I were walking past one of them and I saw a tiny,  I mean tiny sign in the bottom corner of the ‘sneeze guard’ over their pathetic little dogs and saw the brand names “Johnsonville”.

I don’t know if you are familiar with Johnsonville, but it’s a nation-wide US commercial brand that reproduces a creditable copy of the real German brat, likewise Polish Kielbasa and a few other sausage variants.

I laughed and asked the girl if I could have a big, fat Johnsonville brat.  This is the Philippines, though, so of course she answered ‘Out of stock, sir”, but then of standing there and seeming proud of not being able to serve me, she led me ’round the corner to their second location inside the super market food court.  Thank you, my dear, your initiative and helpfulness did not go unnoticed.

There a smiling guy  pulled out a frozen package of real Johnsonville Bratwurst and told me, “Cooked to order sir, takes just 5 minutes in the microwave and on the grill.”  You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I begged off for today since we had just eaten, but you can be sure I’ll go back.  I asked the kid why I have never seen them before and you know what the young fellow told me?

“The owner told us to keep them hidden because Filipinos don’t like them.”

“Only in the Philippines” .  Well, you can draw your own conclusions regarding “Filipinos don’t like them” … but at the S&R Membership store in Manila where we go every couple of months or so for a “taste of the US”, virtually all the customers are Filipinos and those Johnsonville brats fly out of the store, priced about twice what they cost in the USA.

You know I often go to the mall around lunch time and do my walking there and often bring back food for Mita and I for lunch.  Can you imagine how many brats I would have bought over the past three years ago if the silly hotdog guy hadn’t been keeping them hidden.  Go figure.  You can do business in the Philippines, if you let yourself do so.

Hmm, I think I just wrote myself a blog post here, didn’t I?

It’s always nice to watch friends grow and succeed.  One of the first Filipinos who ever spoke with me as a friend … long before I came to live in the Philippines was a fellow with the curious name of “Yuga” who operated a little blog centered around tech issues and what we call “gimmicks” here in the Philippines.  See http://www.yugatech.com/blog/

Yuga’s real name is Abe Orlandres and I have mentioned him before, but felt another shout out might be in order because I have been following a very interesting series of posts he’s been running from Seoul, South Korea where he has recently been on a junket courtesy of LG Electronics to learn more about that company and their product line.

Unlike some Filipino bloggers, Yuga treats Filipino and foreigner readers alike, and he’s a guy a lot like me .. he doesn’t have a prominent family name .. not have to trade on one, as so many Filipinos feel necessary.  he doesn’t hail from some \high class’ background either … he’s a promdi like I am.

But he writes factual and down to earth analyses of the latest and greatest tech items, including letting us know when they are available in the Philippines, what they should cost here, if they operate well here, etc.  A very valuable service.

Cograts on the Korean trip, Abe, and here’s hoping many more like that are in your future.

And for those of you back in the USA who aren’t that familiar with LG … I noticed a distinct resemblance to LG’s top of the line washing machines while watching the latest Sears Kenmore commercials during my recent trip back in Florida.  Sears hasn’t sold US-made washers in years, but at least they sold US brand names .. now?

The times they are a changing.

I decided to update and republish this post after my article yesterday on outsourcing office work on-line.  It’s a bit interesting since it looks at the situation of ‘exporting’ jobs from a couple different angles.

Almost without question I am sure I could find plenty of Americans up in arms about ‘stealing American jobs’ … but what if the jobs were not “American” in the first place…. the way the so-called “Irish” jobs in this article were not really “Irish” jobs at all.  Who does actually “own” a job?  If a corporation “makes” a job … as a tire company “makes” a tire, does that corporation have the right to “sell” that job as one might think they have the right to “sell” the tire?

Interesting news item that flowed across my desk a while back:

LATE-NIGHT calls to one of the State’s main directory inquiry services are being answered from the Philippines after the company that operates the service, Conduit, outsourced the night shift to a call center in Manila.

The move involves the loss of 10 jobs in Conduit’s Dublin headquarters and has prompted fears among the 120 staff working on the day shift of the 11850 directory inquiry service that their jobs could also be transferred to southeast Asia. The night-shift workers, some of whom have up to 10 years’ service, are being laid off later this month. Staff say that they have been offered a redundancy package of two weeks per year of service plus the statutory minimum.

Conduit switched the answering of directory inquiry calls between 10pm and 7am to Manila last June on a trial basis, and recently decided to make the new arrangement permanent.

KGB, a large US call centre operation that owns Conduit, runs a call centre in the Philippine capital employing 3,000 people. Wages in such call centres are typically about $2-$3 an hour, much less than the rates paid to Irish call centre employees… More of the article on Irish call center workers here.

Couple of interesting points, not all of which are readily apparent on first reading.

• —-> This same article, with different details was written in some US paper or another a few years back when the company which is now KGB (no, not the same as the former USSR Secret Service ) “stole” the jobs from the US and shipped them to Ireland, because the Irish workers would do the work for a lot less than the US workers.  Did someone just whisper the word “karma” under their breath?
• —> Those who are blindly investing billions in one call center after another here in the Philippines might want to consider who is going to undercut Philippine Call Center prices.  It will certainly happen.  Actually, few if any call center employees in Manila are working for $3 an hour as the Irish article suggests, wages have been climbing steadily in pace with demand.  You basically already have to pay more than $3.00 USD per hour for good agents in Manila, so who will start “snagging” business away from Philippine call centers in 2010?
• —> The blind spending of my own countrymen, still buying Hummers and other gas guzzler’s comes home to roost in mysterious ways.  the jobs mentioned, and many, many others are no
  photo credit: revjim5000
• longer American jobs or Irish jobs but they have become the ‘property’ of KGB.  The own of property can essentially do anything that he wishes with it, and KGB is a Bahraini company.  It’s not the Irish or the Indians or Malaysians or the Filipinos who are “stealing” American jobs, it’s the oil princes who have them pressed into their hands as tribute every time Americans prostrate themselves toward Mecca and offer tribute at the pump. If this wasn’t so sad, it would be laughable … mid-East oil sheiks taking American jobs along with American “gas money”.
• —> Last item I found worth a chuckle.  In spite of all the paragraphs in the article bemoaning the poor hardworking folks who lost their jobs … actually none did.  If you bother to read the article rather than the sensationalist headline … ten workers were asked two change their working shift hours because of cut backs.  Two did change their hours, and are still working at “their jobs” just as before Manila came into the picture, while eight others said, “I’d prefer my severance package” and departed.
• —>  Somehow I think a person who actually had no job might consider being asked to move to a different shift a little less life-changing than these folks did … but then again, it wasn’t me. Just remember, though, when reading about the “millions of US jobs” that have been lost to overseas employers … the truth is often more like a worker is asked to change hours and tells management, F.U, I won’t change … so management hires someone who will work as requested.  Is that the “loss of an American job”?  Or just another angry American living out his Johnny Paycheck fantasy … “Take This Job and Shove It”?

I just came across this idea in my files.  Earning money in the Philippines seems to be a bit like the weather.  Everyone seems to want to talk about it, but nobody wants to do anything about it.  This is right up the alley of a great many readers here, US, Filipino or any other nationality.  Looking at the dateline I see I took a snippet from my good friend Yuga’s blog back in 2008, nearly two years ago … and I’ve heard very little myself, either personally on in comments to Yuga’s original post.

Yet virtually everyone out there reading this in the Philippines has a computer, a video cam (or access to one) and a way to get high-speed internet connectivity over most of the Philippines, either through a 3G cell phone or via a WiFi USB  ‘dongle’ for a laptop or netbook.

Instead of searching the want ads for a job that will match up with your skills … at a salary that will make it hardly worth your while, why not tap into a profit stream that will never go away and one that is “in demand” each and every day here in the Philippines.

The “gurus” of sales and marketing will tell you the secret to making money is simple … find a need that is very important to someone … even one that causes pain (no one argues much with their dentist when a tooth goes bad, you may bitch about the money later, but when that sucker is infected and swollen you get it treated and are more than glad when the pain stops).

They also recommend selling things that are consumable … something that people continue to need and need again and again …and things that, like toothache, people have little control over.

Can you think of anything like a sudden toothache, off-hand, right now?  Hint, one clue is in the title … “the End”.  The death of a loved one is every bit as painful as a toothache and a heck of a lot harder to get over.

Yup, the final end, death.  It causes pain to whole families, not just the ‘recipient’.  It’s not controllable … in case anyone out there isn’t sure, let me deliver the news to you … we are all dead …we just don’t know when.  There is a never ending supply of death, and even the Bill Gates among us can’t avoid it.

And it’s something that doesn’t lend itself much to cost control … when a loved one dies, there are certain rights and rituals we all go through, and some of those rituals demand spending … sometimes a lot.

Read Yuga’s original post and then I’ll add some updated ideas … and don’t worry I’ll throw in something upbeat about new beginnings too, near the end.

Last week, when a sibling of a friend died of colon cancer, I went to the wake at the Paco church to pay my respects. My friend told me one of their sister from the States can’t make it and wished there’s a way they can do to ease the disappointment.

I said I can bring my laptop and use the built-in webcam to do a YM video conference. I hooked up my phone to Smart 3G and connect it to my laptop via bluetooth and started.

So there we were, moving the laptop around to broadcast the video taken from the webcam while other relatives huddle around to talk to the other party in the US.

I thought this was cool and wondered why chapels haven’t thought of this yet. … {hat tip: tech soulja Read more about online burial services from Yuga here.

People die every day.  In the Philippines wakes and funerals tend to be ‘big deals’.  Even poorer people who can’t afford a formal funeral home service normally have a viewing in the deceased’s own home.

photo credit: stuff_and_nonsense

Due to the economic facts of life, a great many of the deceased’s family and friends are liable to be in far off parts of the Philippines or overseas.  It’s expensive and sometimes impossibly disruptive for many to visit the viewing or services … yet wanting to pay their respects and to chat with others in the family in their grief and sorrow is a very heartfelt need.  Thus: “>How to Use e-Burol (Click here to download the manual) … there’s opportunity here to anyone who wants to set up a service like this on their own.

You could attack the opportunity in any of several ways: Go into partnership with local funeral homes where they would pay you to provide service “just like” the name brand undertakers. or advertise and run the service independently for a fee, or put up a directory service and ‘how to do it’ site and make money from advertising and affiliation with flower vendors and other services in the trade … possibilities abound.

Let me also add a word about competition.  Many folks glance at an idea like this and say, “Oh it’s being done already, I’m too late.”

Nothing could be farther from the truth.  The fact that there are viable businesses already offering these services is proof that there is a demand and public interest …it’s actually a great business potential indication.

Aside from death, there are a lot of other “high demand” opportunities. How many overseas relatives who have paid for a student’s education here would want to “virtually participate” in a graduation or even a wedding?  My guess is, plenty.

And don’t forget new babies. From personal observation, these little bundles of joy just seem to keep on coming … the Philippines has an endless supply.   I’ve personally observed when a new baby comes along it is a much bigger event than it sometimes seems in the US … especially if it is the first grandchild of a couple, as just one example.  Whole families will scape the last peso out of the piggy bank and set off for distant locations to see the newborn.  It’s one of those things that people do, it’s something that’s iportant to them, and it’s something that’s going to keep on happening, recession or no recession.

Put a simple web conferencing hookup and cheap web cam and mic in the new mother’s room and tie it to a “one time use” website (free on Blogger a number of other free web hosts) so that relatives all over the world can “tune in’ and chat with the new mom as she feeds and shows of the new child. (don’t forget to record the sessions and sell copies on DVD for those who missed all the joyful occasions live.)

What do you think? Ever given a thought to making a business out of the business of ife itself?   I smell potential here.

And as a final thought, even though it’s essential that you make some money out of all this, if you want your business to survive, it’s also a case of providing a necessary, very rewarding service to people who otherwise would regret “not being there” the rest of their lives … much more rewarding than selling laundry soap or condominium units or some other material thing.

Done right you can make a lot of people happy this way, or at least help them assuage their grief in some small way … and as my friend Martha would say, that is a “Good Thing”.

Just a post or so ago, one of my most loyal readers, Laurence, mentioned that I should write more about opening a business in the Philippines.  Laurence also expressed the preference that it not be about “online” business and that it have the potential for employing Filipino workers.  Not a bad idea … profit … at least enough to live on for the business owner … and jobs for Filipinos without going off to the four corners of the world to work in some other country, scrimping and saving to send money home while their families grow up ‘fractured’ by distance and time.

Fair enough, Laurence, and thanks for the tip/guidance.  I am not an expert on business in the Philippines …. and I likely am not going to become one.  But here’s someone who is, has been for more than three decades,and has a proven record of helping people find their dreams and live them.

(By the way, for the skeptics among you … and don’t get me wrong, you are right to question everything in today’s world, and to make sure you know who the players are … I have no commercial interest whatsoever in this offer, I do not earn commissions or participate in any other way.  But I will say this .. for the number of people who come to this site searching for information on business in the Philippines, this P750 (about $15.30 USD at today’s rate) modern business course will be worth about 100 or 1,000 times as much as the average, “Try this, lose it all, try that, lose some more” business effort I am used to witnessing over the past 10 years.  Try it and see if my words don’t ring true.)

photo credit: woody1778a

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So, are you interested in your future, startingand running a business in the Philippines?  Here’s a very useful first step.  Will you wait, or will you make amove?

A lot of folks I’ve met on-line over the past 7 or 8 years want to live in the Philippines.  Many are also below normal retirement age and don’t have a pension or other regular non-work income source to support their move.  So those with technical talent often ask about getting a tech job in the Philippines.

My view?  based on personal knowledge and contacts with a number of hi-tech folks as well as bankers and lawyers is … fughedaboutit (or that would be Tony Soprano’s advice and my echo).  Your competition is thousands and thousands of fresh, motivated and ‘hungry’ technical graduates each year and a large crop of under-employed experienced folks.  Also, many things both culturally and technically are done differently.  They may be smarter or less smart in your view, but the object is, no one is looking for your view … your chief value would be fitting in and being part of a team.

If my pessimism (honest evaluation) of the work climate hasn’t driven you away. here’s an outfit that is actively working with a lot of tech companies here in the Phils and is actively recruiting cannon fodder (I mean job applicants).  Best of luck.

Editor’s Note:  I originally published this more than three full years ago.  Time flies.  Yet it is one of the least visited, least read posts on my whole blog.  Confusing, since the headline is short, sweet, and exactly on point.  So I decided to revise it, up date it, and move it to the top of the list for 2010 … the day you can stop wishing and dreaming to the Philippines if you truly want to get off your duff and do something about it

When people ask about jobs in the Philippines … for Filipino or Foreigners, it is often apparent they don’t know the first place to start  So here are some places to begin.  If you want “a job”, then the first thing you need to do is check out two important factors:

— Where are the employers and what are they “buying:   Far too many foreigners have handicapped themselves by subscribing to that “third-world”, “backward” country claptrap.  Fact is, IT and communications jobs are booming in the Philippines.  It is far more than “call center” jobs which have migrated to the Philippines.  Here’s a site that lists thousands of trade associations, consulting services and high-tech employers in the Philippines.  It’s run by the government, fairly easy to use and has stood the test of time .. on-line and ‘alive’ for many years now.  It includes details like contact person, address, fax number, etc. If you can’t figure out what to do with information like that, better reconsider how you are going about looking for a job.

The National Computer Center (NCC)

— What are your Qualifications: You wouldn’t believe how many people write to me asking about jobs for Americans in the Philippines and report to me directly that they essentially have no skills.  The messages always go something like, “Oh I have no particular skills, I just need a job so I can live there with my sweetheart”, or words to that effect.  Usually I try to be nice about it, even though these messages depress me and annoy me.  I hereby resolve to stop mincing words.

If you feel you have no “particular” skills, then rush to the store and buy yourself a fricking clue, people.  And on the way back, equip yourself to be useful to an employer, please.

Listings of Philippines IT employers

Employers don’t “give jobs’ for the sake of “having employees”.  They hire people with skills to get things done for them so as to make their business profit.  Weak, unfocused statements like, “I have experience in running networks” are not specific skills.

Do you have any idea how many people in the world can honestly claim they have “some experience running a network?”  Thousands upon thousands.  There are thousands of cab drivers across the Philippines with degrees in IT or other network/programming skills.  What sets you apart?

What is your USP (Unique Sales Proposition)?  “Sales, Dave, I’m not looking for a sales job.”  Oh yes you are.  Make no mistake about it, “looking for a job” is really an exercise in “selling yourself”, and if you haven’t decided to love sales rather than hate it, your chances go down very dramatically.

Individual IT certification source

One USP that I feel many people ignore is, certifications,  This is especially important if your actual on the job experience is limited or “off topic” from the job you really want to land.  Here’s an outfit (based in the USA but with a very active Philippine presence) who can do just that.  Certify people to industry standards in over 600 areas.  I have no business relationship with them, and you must always exercise the principles of caveat emptor, but they certainly look worth investigating to me.  They have been heavy in the ICT business here in the Philippines for years before I came here, and who knows … certification might just be the key to unlock a door.

Look forward to many more articles like this in 2010 (in fact, sign up here so you don’t miss a single issue). but don’t expect pabulum and sugar-coating.  If you want a job here in the Philippines, I’ll try to help, but you will get off your ass and work for it on your own … losers and do-nothings are not welcome here.

I was telling someone a funny story that happened to me recently, and I figured why not share it … I’m too damn serious about a lot of these things anyway, or so people tell me.

First of all, “lang” is a Filipino word that literally translates to the English word “only”.  That’s one reason you see ads or price signs frequently written as P20 Only … becuase in normal conversation someone will often say “20 Pesos lang” when asked the cost of somehting … it’s not always clear to me if the word is being used as an adjective to try to assure you that the cost is ‘only 20 pesos’, as in “very cheap”, or just as a sort of a punctuation to emphasize they have answered you pricing question.  Not really something I want to try to define here anyway.

Anyway, “lang” is also used in the sense that something has only one meaning … to avoid misunderstandings.  It’s common to hear “Joke, lang” when the joke teller wants to make it clear that what was siad is only a joke and not to be taken seriously.
A week or two ago my dear wife and I were driving home from our little farm operation up north in Zambales when we stopped at a Pizza Hut franchise in one to the NLEX (North Luzon Expressway).

We went in and ordered some food to take home with us for dinner.  While I was sitting at a table near the ordering counter I happened to notice that two of the young waitresses seemed to be discussing something between themselves and kind of handing a folder of some sort back and forth between themselves.

One of them obviously “lost the bet” or something, and started walking, with the folder in hand, over to where Mita was standing a few feet away from me.  I saw Mita quickly say something to the younger lady and point toward me.  The waitress looked toward me and slowly began walking toward me as if she were really scared.  Frankly I figured it was going to be some sad story about being “out of stock” on some of the food items we had ordered.  This is sort  of a common occurrence.

Apparently, no Filipino chef ever tells the wait staff when an item has run out in the kitchen .. nobody wants to deliver bad news, you know, so just keep quiet, perhaps no one will notice.

Wait staff never want to tell you in advance that an item isn’t available either .. again, the bad news thing  … “I’m not going to be the one to deliver the bad news”.

It’s very common to get your order taken, wait a while and then get a visit from a reluctant waiter to tell you that you aren’t going to get your order after all.  Don’t ask me why, it just works that way.

So as I was waiting for this young lady to drag her way over to me, I was already starting to review what I had ordered in my mind and decide on a suitable substitute … which of course I could have ordered five minutes ago had I know that what I did order was out of stock.  Remember the rule here … “after the fact”

But no, my sour “take” on the proceedings was all wrong.  What the waitress was reluctant to do, but what she basically had to do, was to approach each customer and ‘sell’ them on a “feed the children” type charity program that Pizza Hut was sponsoring.

After a careful and very understandable presentation, the girl asked me if I would care to contribute … and of course, sitting there waiting for about P500 worth of takeout to be served I really could not say no to giving something to feed a hungry child, especially since the program was internal to the Philippines and was focused mainly on the the hundreds of thousands of displaced families in Mindanao .. the ones that Manilanos don’t even acknowledge as they drive home to dinner in their chauffeured BMW’s and Beans (oops, Benz’s).  So I handed the young lady, now all relieved that she had made it through a conversation with the “big, old Kano” successfully, a P100 note.

She whipped open her folder and began the process of filling up the inevitable receipt, which I didn’t want, and told her so … “I’ll be happy to contribute, but I won’t fill up a form.”

Her response was, “OK sir, but you do win a little appreciation gift for your contribution,”  She named some sort of gee-gaw, a bracelet or something, can’t remember now, but I didn’t want one.  I asked what other gifts were available.

She replied, “Well sir, the gift for a P50 contribution is a small desktop calendar.”

I stopped her then and there … it’s hard to get calendars here in the Philippines, and even harder to get little small ones that will sit on your desk out of the way, so I asked her to give me two, and if anyone asked why I was getting the “wrong” gift, just say I had contributed 50 pesos twice.

The waitress seemed very happy at that little problem being solved, but as she started to turn away my wife called out to her, “Make sure they are not 2009 calendars, it’s already December you know.”

Now that might have sounded petty obvious, but I was in National Bookstore, the Philippine’s largest book and stationery store just recently … in November, and they were, selling 2009 calendars (at full price) in November of 2009, so Mita’s comment was more than appropriate.  That’s the way things are here … new stock doesn’t come out until the old stock is gone, even when it is time sensitive or dated material … 2010 cars aren’t out yet, as an example, becuase there are still 2009 models unsold.

“Calendar Girl”, happy until Dave came along

But the girl must have had that question thrown at her before , becuase she confidently turned our way and said, “Oh no ma’am, no sir, they are not 20 ‘Oh’ 9 calendars, they are 20 ‘Oh’ 10 calendars, lang”

Now I of course have a reputation as a curmudgeon, and I can also admit to always having sort of a ‘thing’ about people using imprecise terms regarding numbers.  For 10 years now, we have had people saying things like 20 “Oh” 8 when they ought to he saying “”two thousand eight”, but of course I seldom say anything, becuase even though it is ‘wrong’, who cares, the meaning is clear.

But 20 “Oh” 10?  That would “translate” to the year 20,010, roughly 18,001 years from now … a time I am highly unlikely to be around waiting on a calendar.

So thinking I’d apply a little humorous correction to her improper communication, I looked at her and said, “20 “Oh” 10?  No need for the calendars then, I won’t live that long.”

I, of course, figured she would “get it” and realize that after 9 or 10 years of ‘slang’ usage, things would have to change in a month when the 3rd digit of the year changed.  The decade of 20 “Oh” something was drawing to a close.

Well, as I have said before, “Culture Shock” doesn’t just mean taking a cold shower with a dipper and a bucket, or having a plate of crickets served in a restaurant.  You don’t joke about death here, especially to an impressionable young person, and especially if the “joke” can be construed as predicting your own death in less than a month.

The poor girl turned literally ashen in color.  She went and got the calendars and handed them to me with a look on her face as if she’d just seen her favorite puppy run over by a bus.  Or like she was looking at a ghost, or a “dead man walking.”

I wanted to say something, but somehow I knew that the common “Joke, lang” wouldn’t make up for the shock I’d given her.  And I knew that if I tried to explain the issue about the “20 Oh” expression it would only make things worse, because it would only come out as criticism of her English skills. personally.  In my clumsy “joke”, I was only adding to the fear she had to overcome when she summoned up the courage to approach me in the first place.

She just didn’t “get it” at all, and you know how it is, especially when you suffer through a bad comedian on TV … if you don’t “get” a joke, all the explaining in the worlds doesn’t make it any funnier.  And espcially if the joke turns out to be hurtful, explanations just make it worse.

Our food came then, delivered by the other waitress, and my wife and I said our thank yous and slipped out the side door to our car.

I couldn’t resist a look back to my “calendar girl”, and the last thing I remember is her soulful eyes looking at me the way I imagine the eyes of people in the Titanic’s lifeboats watched as the ship went down while they could only sit helpless and watch the tragedy unfold.

Every time I pull a culture/language related “boner” like this I resolve never to get myself in the same position again … but of course I am sure I will.  There’s an old saying that laughter is the best medicine, and it’s a true saying, but just be very careful you know, in advance, what people are going to laugh at … preferably before you make the joke.  It’s really, really, really hard in this life to ‘un-say” something

By the way, if this story made you feel a bit sorry or concerned about hungry children, good, that was the intention.  We who hail from America, no matter how hard we think the times are back there these days, are so well off it is amazing to most of the ‘real world’.

The poorest person in America, saddled with credit card and mortgage debts and coming to the end of unemployment benefits is still richer by a huge amount than the every day standard for millions of Filipinos.

We’re not talking an occasionally “missing a meal”, we’re talking one thin meal a day, on good days that is, … “missing a meal” is synonymous with no food that whole day at all.  Millions of children in this country are sent to bed without their supper every night, just as a matter of the way life is.

There are thousands of worthy charities out there … please consider sharing some of your bounty this Christmas season …  if you don’t have a particular one in mind, my friend Bob runs his own, 100% volunteer Christmas food program in Mindanao … think about it if you will … hunger, children and Christmas are three words that just never fit together properly … they clash like one of Dave Starr’s clumsy jokes.

Recently I wrote Customer Service Philippines Style regarding some of my adventures in Philippine living and the issues you should be thinking about rather than just the perpetual “">How Much Do Things Cost in the Philippines?” question. (See also excellent blog on What things cost in the Philippines, from Christian Skoda, his costs are from early 2008 and have not changed much, if you apply today’s slightly less favorable dollar/peso rates).

Now the first thing I want to do here is put up a little disclaimer.  First of all, I don’t give legal advice, and nothing I say should ever be construed as such.  Ditto with financial advice .. ok?  Everything I write is based on personal experience on what has worked for me, and as we always say on the Internet, YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary).  But here are some thoughts you might want to consider:

Forget about the Phone (Business only happens face-to-face):  In most cases in the US, when you have a problem with a business, you can often get resolution on the phone.  In the Philippines, I find this pretty much useless.  As an example, recall my diesel/gasoline misfueling story?  When we first found out what had happened my wife got on the phone with the gas station who had made the error.  Know what their response was, after a lot of hemming and hawing? 

They told my wife that we should drain out the contaminated gasoline/diesel fuel mix and bring it back to them … 20 miles the wrong way in the expressway so they could examine it.  I was only a little pissed when the incident first happened.  I as a lot pissed when I heard their proposed solution.  Rather than argue with them on the phone or waste my own precious mental energy in getting madder and madder, I just had the mechanics at our “rescue station” finish draining out the bad fuel, take apart the water separator/fuel filter and clean and flush that, did not let them mess with my fuel injectors or timing pump … I know enough about diesels to avoid that faux pa at least, bought a new full tank of diesel, got a receipt for everything that was done and went on my way to Zambales as planned, three hours or so behind schedule.

Remember, annoyed as I might be by the error. my mission was to go to Zambales for some farm and family business … not to sit around all day until somebody showed up to receive my wrath and make restitution on the spot.  Eyes on the prize, so to speak.

Don’t Talk To Underlings (they can’t fix the problem anyway, they have no authority): The next day, after we were home and rested, I drove to the offending gas station and went straight to the office and politely, but firmly asked to speak with the lady we had spoken to yesterday who claimed to be the manager.  My wife was with me … always a good idea, except read the rest of the story.

After explaining who we were and why we were there a huge, animated discussion started between my wife,the manager, an assistant manager who had come running in, and I think the guy who had been mopping the rest rooms as well.  The office was soon crowded with people. . 

I asked the manager to please talk to me, I was the one with the complaint, but (very typically) this request was essentially ignored.  I of course couldn’t follow all of the discussion, but I could tell the main focus of the conversation was about finding the young guy who had made the mistake and what action could be taken against him … after firing him I think throwing him under a bus was discussed .  The assistant manager ran outside and I observed him hollering and screaming and waving his arms at all the pump attendants and the manager kept repeating over and over again, to my wife how sorry she was.

I quietly and politely interjected again that I wished to be addressed personally … my wife was not the one who bought the fuel and if necessary, I would ask my wife to leave the room, since they were refusing my reasonable request.  This took the wind out of the manager’s sails a bit and she quieted down and started telling me, in perfectly adequate English how sorry she was and how hard they were trying to find the employee who had made the error and if they did, they would fire him on the spot.

Decide Before You Start What Outcome You Want and Stay On Topic (getting guy fired may make you feel good, but it won’t accomplish much for you).  It’s very human to be pissed off and want to see some dummy given the axe, but it won’t replace wasted time or money and in the end, only his children suffer … at my age I know how easy dumb mistakes are to make … and I’ll wager I (and you) will make a lot more before we pass on.

I was proud of myself on this occasion because I remember a key factor.  Filipinos talk loud, especially when excited, but a double standard is in effect.  Might as well accept this, or stay home.  If you, as a foreigner, start raising you voice, your stock starts going down.  The louder you get, the less you will succeed. 

It’s hard to accept, especially when you are very, very much “wronged”,as I certainly was in this case … but especially if it gets up to the shouting stage?  You are not going to leave happy … trust me on this.

So I carefully, and under strict vice control, stated to the manager that I was not interested in any way what action they took regarding the errant employee.  That was her issue to deal with as the manager, after she settled my problem.  Her eyes got big.  Apparently in years of resolving issues like this she was only used to dealing with unhappy customers with “blood in their eye” who wanted to witness the employee getting chastised or fired.  A good friend reported a similar incident to me where he suspects the guy got fired before my friend even realized what was happening.  Unless the wrong you are trying to right is actually the direct business of your spouse or ‘helper’, keep control of the situation yourself.  Again, eye on the prize.

After this sunk in on her I handed her the receipts for labor and refueling from the “rescuing” gas station, plus a handwritten sheet I had made up that showed how much “good” fuel had been in my car when I got there (which they had ruined)… calculated from what they had sold me and what we drained out, the gasoline she had sold me in error, the service charges I paid at the other station and the diesel I had to buy to bring my tank up to full, which had been my original intention.

I then told her something else.  I was not interested in her g> being sorry.  In fact, I hate that aspect of living almost everywhere in Asia.  If a mistake is made, ok already.  A simple apology is enough.  You know, most every time I have made another person deeply sorrowed, I probably have been in a situation where I was sorry myself.  I said something like this:

“Ma’am. I don’t want anyone made any more ‘sorrowful’.  I accept all apologies and let us move on. I want PhP 2,275 Pesos (can’t remember the exact figure now) and I will be out of your office and on my way with a smile on my face.”

She looked back at me and asked, “You mean a refund is all you need, Sir David”?

“Yes ma’am”.

She was out of the room like a shot, “For a while, sir.” came back to me over her shoulder.  She was back in five minutes, the exact amount of money in her hand, a cash receipt voucher for me to sign, two air freshener gimmick give away’s in her hand and a genuine smile and look of relief on her face.

I have no idea what happened to the miscreant, nor do I care.  I took the money, my wife and I left with smiles and “maraming salamat’s” all around.

On the way to our car I got roped into spend some of that money in my hand on a fancy pre paid expressway toll transponder (more on that at another tie) and a nice lunch in a rest stop restaurant.  A good morning all around.

Always remember and never forget, if you are there to get your money back, and you get it back, you have succeeded beyond expectations, so be happy.  As my hero, Harry Chapin once sang, “… well another man might have been angry, and another man might have been hurt … I stashed the tip in my shirt.”

Another happy day living in the Philippines.

Related Posts:

• Still Going Up — No End In Sight
• Costs Are Relative — Cost of a Gallon of Gas, etc.
• Car Rentals — It's Not Like Home
• Get Out And About
• Live in the Philippines on $770 a Month Still Possible?

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